I am a sucker for well crafted pop-songs with genuine grooves. Often, in my role as a befuddled goober, I shamble around in my slippers and nod my head to a particular track for a few weeks. Such was the case with Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars. During the drearier moments of December, I found myself cuing up the song several times a day. One of the duties within my role as befuddled, pop-humming goober should be to actually pay attention to lyrics. I caught on eventually to what (or where) Bruno found himself locked out of (“Oh! He means that Heaven”). It would serve humanity nicely if I could invent a sort of translator for pop music that is wired directly to a person’s cerebral cortex and tells crusty shufflers like me exactly what singers are trying to convey. I imagine that this invention would translate the some current Billboard singles as follows:
- Bruno Mars-Locked Out Of Heaven. R&B to Confused Goober Translation: “Your ‘Whoa Nelly’ takes me on vacation. Your ‘Thank You, Maam, May I Have Another?’ Takes me to someplace tropical. Your ‘Stupid Euphemism’ takes me to paradise. Now I feel like you’ve installed ADT in your clothes and the police will show up if I cause a fire or flood in your pants.”
- Ne-Yo-Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself). R&B to Pajama Clad Suburbanite Translation: “Let me ‘Whoa Nelly’ you until you discover that I’m not a therapist (and am just in it until you lock me out of heaven).”
- Ke$ha-Die Young. Jack-o-Lantern looking wanna be R&B Star to the World Translation: “An exorcist, a sales clerk from Ann Taylor Loft and Don Knotts all walked into a bar one night. Guess which two are Ke$ha’s parents.”
- Fun-Some Nights. Glee to Sweden translation: “What the…? Who sampled Abba?”
- Rihanna-Diamonds. I’m not even going to make fun of this song. Even a fuddy knows when to shut up and just sing along with a weird, catchy chorus. Shine bright like a diamond, yourself Rihanna.