Last year I wrote something about the local bikini mom brigade and the sub-suburban bathing suit top dress code. There seemed, at that time, to be something distinctly un-sexy about the fortysomething middle school chauffeur crowd sporting bathing suits as everyday casual wear in every situation. Times change, and with changes come different and more unique modes of dress. This year, possibly due to the miserably cold Spring in Southern Michigan, muumuus seem to be the local fashion. In a weird way, the muumuu is kind of a turn-on. When a woman wears a giant, formless article of clothing in public, it leaves everything to the imagination. I know that nine times out of ten there is a person under that ginormous house dress and I’m curious about who they are. A man doesn’t have anything in his wardrobe like a muumuu. We have hunting gear, but don’t normally wear that around town. There isn’t any great, big sack we can wear/hide in.
Other industries ought to defer to the muumuu dress, because it will one day be the prevalent fashion for American women. The auto companies should make muumuu friendly cars with seats designed so one’s over-sized canvas dresses don’t ride up. They might also be considerate enough to make pedals in cars sensitive to flip-flops, or fuzzy slippers, because these seem to be the most often paired footwear with muumuus. Wal-Mart needs to be considerate enough to make muumuu-wide isles. A narrow corridor, a muumuu mamma and an unsuspecting male shopper is a recipe for trouble. If a man is unlucky enough to be caught in this situation, he’s going to be blinded by unnaturally colored cotton fabric and the acrid smell of old French fries caught in the folds. I don’t have any really good stories about my life experiences, but I know about old fries and impossibly enormous, all-too-thin dresses. On the occasions when this has happened to me, I’ve managed to greet the ladies with a hearty
How you doin’?
What else could I say? Rather than be smothered by a giant dress while shopping for spark plugs or sink parts, I give a friendly nod and then get the heck out the way. Sure, the Michigan no-tan bikini fashion isn’t exactly appropriate for running errands, but at least innocent bystanders aren’t often suffocated by waves of excess material.