One of my strange obsessions is finding dental hygiene products that won’t induce headaches . I get sick from the sweeteners in most commercial toothpaste, and find myself at health food stores trying to find alternatives. Today was my day to restock the arsenal of weird smelling natural remedies for mouth funk and mold build-up. In order to get the supplies, I drive 15 miles out-of-town to a store run by a local cult. Apparently their beliefs are based on narcolepsy and throwing rocks at each other every Thursday (which is a source of some pain and they depend on a lot of homemade medicine). They’re nice enough, if you overlook the blank stare. Besides, it beats trying to make your own toothpaste. Most homemade toothpaste recipes found on the internet are easy to recreate and contain various forms of glycerin. My attempts never came out right. First, I had to deal with foaming at the mouth, and then some double vision. There were also the fires. Some of my craft brewed baking soda toothpastes were so bad I half expected to see Bryan Cranston standing in my kitchen wearing goggles.
The other night I tried some Crest Super Day-Glo Whitening toothpaste. It had been two years since I’d used real toothpaste and not the stuff designed for Vietnam era draft dodgers still hiding in Canada. Predictably, I got the migraine, but what a weird sensation. The feeling was like when my mom would wash my mouth out with Ivory soap as a kid (because of all my effin cursing) and I’d eat the whole bar to be spiteful. It was just a rush of clean. Maybe there is some value to chemistry and mass production. I hope to one day go back to regular toothpaste. It’s got to better than rock throwing Thursday.